Mike and Ike, you like that right? haha. Mine for one is about the same size… Anywho, welcome to another NSFW article by me where I attempt to coin language for an entire community.

I hit the point one day where I said you know what… Fuck it. This is my body, I’m going to own it and take care of it, love it and use it.

So I’m home alone, I drop my pants and I look down and I can’t see a thing… There is so much unkept hair and childhood hatred and boxer lint. I think there was actually a bat that flew right out of me at one point. I hadn’t taken the time to connect to myself on a sexual and holistic manner.

Here are the highlights of my self-love discoveries and tips for keeping your junk healthy even if you hate it sometimes.

1. Groom yourself (manscape)

In any good restoration you’ve got to clean out the brush and debris. When I get a new facial trimmer I always demote my older one to the pubes… I find a 1 or 2 guard trims my hair enough to look neat but not like a bald patch hanging out among my chest, leg and stomach hair.

Be careful to go slow and give it some time. I’ve sliced myself almost off with an impatient hand. Look to make sure none of your squishy stuff gets between the guard and to the blade.

After trimming down, I sit on the toilet with tiny clippers and trim closet to the middle by pinching up the skin of the outer area. Hard to describe that one in words, but it’s beneficial to do it over the toilet because clean up is like, just flushing.

While you’re down there, take some time too to connect with yourself on a visual level. Remove the idea that that anatomy is equal to being a woman, or not being a man. You are a man… And this is your body… So it’s a man’s body.


2. Keep it clean (someone may want to put it in their mouth)

But seriously, there has been nothing worse in my mind then when I’m about to get a Whistle and I’m unsure of whether or not I’m clean.

We as trans men have a different set of rules when it comes to certain things. Me and my trans guys friends have all commiserated on the pains of wiping after we pee. Toilet paper lint all attached to us… Pain when we wipe too hard and catch the head of our Mike and Ike. Boxers rubbing on our erections when we walk… You know. But the lint is serious!

There is a card in Cards Against Humanity with the word “Smegma” on it. We had to look it up… It’s a combination of sweat, oil and dead skin that makes a film of gross on your junk. Keep up with that in the shower… And make sure to remember you’re uncircumcised and you’ve got to pull the foreskin/hood back and get in there too.


3. Masturbate (learn the buttons)

Have you ever noticed how many different commonly known sex positions there are? It’s because things that work, work. Masturbation is the first step toward being comfortable allowing someone else to touch you. What are you comfortable with? If I was in bed with someone who was trans I would ask them… How often do we have answers though?

My goal here is to create a sexual culture that we can feel good about and our partners can learn behind our backs and surprise us with that new tongue/finger combo move and no one freaks the fuck out.

You’ll have to learn how to tell someone you do or do not like when this and/or that is done, but the basics will save us all a lot of awkward mid-sex hold-ups.

When I masturbate, I find it hard to get myself off all the time with just my hand. I can manage in the shower with a handful of soap bubbles and some all over rubbing, but for the real me time I purchased a Bono by Transthetics. It allows me to hold a penis in my hand and move it like I like… Up and down, ya know… Plus it vibrates.


4. Remove the shame (get up in there if you like it)

By medical terms, you’ve got a vagina… So do I, and everyone else on this website. It doesn’t mean you’ve got to call it that, use it like cisgender women do, or feel any shame toward your own anatomy.

Recently I was curious about the inside stimulation when it came to sex and stuff. I found comfort in mentally thinking of it as my G spot, or the equivalent of a prostate. I thought; if I was a cisgender man, would I be okay with anal stimulation knowing it improved orgasms? I’d probably try it! Doesn’t mean you have to, but don’t feel the shame of wanting to.

Take some deep breaths with me now and let that go if you’ve got it still.


5. Get check-ups (don’t ignore your health)

There have been far too many of us dying because we refuse to get our anatomy checked out. Don’t ignore your health to the point where certain cancers have developed passed the point of treatment. Make sure that if you’re sexually active, you’re getting tested for STD/I’s regularly too.

Another thing to look out for and keep in mind is that the longer you’re on HRT the more likely cases of Atrophy can happen to your zone. If you’re experiencing any pain, discomfort, or excessive dryness let your doctor know.