I like punk music. A lot. My favorite band is called Against Me! with a lead singer who is trans herself. In 2014, my favorite record came out by Against Me! called Trans Dysphoria Blues and in this record Laura Jane Grace opens up about being trans and what is has done to her, her music career, and life in general. This was the first time I listened to “True Trans Soul Rebel” (which is a great song and I suggest that everyone give it a listen) I connected with this song in ways that I didn’t understand, yet. It always seemed to be inside me but I didn’t have the language to try to unpack what I felt while listening to this song.
Calling myself trans is something very new to me. Sometimes labels are not my forte, they feel confining and restricting. But using this label for myself seems right. Trust me, it has taken me a long time to get to this point. Just last night my beautiful partner said that they were proud of me for coming out to my brother and for living my authentic self. This made me the happiest person on the face of the planet because it was the first time in I don’t know how long that I actually have felt as though I’m being true and honest with myself.
I live in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma and I was born and raised in a Christian and somewhat Conservative household. My faith was my identity. Ever since I could remember I wanted to go into ministry. Spoiler alert, I did not go into ministry. It just kind of seemed as though one day I woke up and my faith did not make sense anymore. Everything I held dear and valued was gone deep into the abyss of mythology. At least, it felt like it. I felt lost and still feel lost at times. Yes, I am currently in a reconstruction of sorts regarding my faith and I have definitely deconstructed everything I knew to be true. Coming from a background of faith, of course my parents are people of faith. And I want to say that my parents love me and have loved me through a lot of dark times in my life. They have always loved me and I know that it will never change. They do not know that I am trans. Currently; I have not come out to them and am discussing all the different possible outcomes with my therapist.
Being trans and having some sort of faith (whatever it may be, I am still figuring this out) or really just trying to understand Christianity and looking at it in a much different way than the way I was raised is something new for me because in the beginning of my search, I guess we can call it that, I did not give a shit. I wanted nothing to do of the life I had before. Now I have an ache that I can’t quite explain. It is as though I’m searching for something deep within me and coming out of it is realizing that I am trans. Essentially, I am trying to look at Christianity with a new set of eyes per se, and I have a philosophical mind so of course I’m reading too much into everything. But one thing I cannot help my mind from going down this path is this question, did God (whatever it may be, if anything at all) make a mistake? Of course, this is assuming a lot of things. It is assuming creation, that there is a master creator, a lot of things that I’m sure people aren’t going to be too comfortable with (and I know I’m assuming, again and we all know what assuming does). I think I have this question or just that I am predisposed to go down this road that I do not even believe to be true at all. I do not think that I am a mistake. I know that I am just fine the way that I am. However, knowing how my parents believe and frankly they just do not have the tools yet to really grapple with what being trans means or even looks like. Because I know this, I’m scared that they will throw this “mistake, you’re playing God” rhetoric out at me. So, I feel as though I have to prepare myself mentally for this to be tossed my way and be ready. And I think moving forward with my search of faith and reason and being a trans man, I am almost forced to explain that my body is just as worthy and beautiful and “wonderfully made” like everyone else’s.
Of course, this is just the beginning. I am having a lot of beginnings at the moment and with that comes a lack of language to adequately explain what is going on until more time has passed. I am excited to explore this. I am excited to write more about this because I know I am not alone. And here’s the beautiful thing, neither are you.