I’m almost 28 years old. I feel like my professional clock is ticking away into the dark, dark abyss of loserdom. My professional life aside, I feel like with every passing year the more “me” I become. Does anyone else feel the same way?  My natural instinct is to attach some sort of meaning to virtually everything.

What does this mean?

What did they mean by that?

What if I did this or that?

What. Does. This. Mean.

I ask a lot of questions, too many for my own good at times. And of course, this question is most definitely the top question I often ask myself:

What does this mean?

Anything really can be applied to such a question. At times I like to entertain thought experiments where I go down a rabbit hole of sorts and I create a chain of events. For example, something happened and then because of that particular thing, the following result was literally because of said thing. Essentially I’m placing meaning to some act and the cause of it is in direct correlation. Another example that I hope is closer to home to most people reading this is: say you grew up a “tomboy” (is this hitting home to some of you already?) and you always wanted to be “one of the boys” you played “boy” sports, dressed in boys clothes. Then years later you identified as a lesbian but the word “lesbian” never really fit you so you just said you were gay or queer. During this time, you presented yourself to the world in a much more masculine manor and because you live in the Bible belt, you got called “sir” a lot, which made you feel uncomfortable because what was happening was something that lived deep within you was being pushed to the surface and you were not ready to confront it. Let’s face it, you are definitely not the type to deal with your stuff when you really should be and it comes out years later. Life is learning, right?

So, here we are trying to find meaning in the past and how it relates to the now. Is there a point in this? I really do not know. Sometimes I think there is merit in trying to make sense of events in my life and see if or how they relate and if the sequence of events makes a chain reaction. Other times I think it’s a complete waste of time. Who knows? (Shrugging dude emoji inserted here). 

Back in the day when I was a youth sponsor for my church’s youth group I used this analogy to describe how our lives should be like. It went a little something like this:

           Our lives should be like a river. A river never stays the same; it’s always flowing and therefore constantly changing. Constant change. Now we can debate whether or not that is always good, but for the sake of this piece, I’m going to say it is a good thing because it means you’re opening yourself up to whatever change is about to take place.

This is where I’m at right now. I’m ebbing. I’m flowing. I’m discovering new things about myself everyday and I’m evolving into the person, man, partner, I am supposed to be.

Isn’t it funny how life unfolds itself at times? Sometimes it is years in the making to see point A and then finally getting to point B. All the while, making U-turns, circles, taking the wrong exit, but hey, you made it to point B and that my friends, is what’s most important.